It seems like everyone is talking about "burnout". What is burnout and how can we prevent it?
Burnout is characterized by emotional exhaustion. Emily & Amelia Nagoski wrote a book titled Burnout: the secret to unlocking the stress cycle where they address what burnout is, why it happens, and how to work through & prevent it. I highly recommend that you read this book, especially if you're in a place in your life where you're feeling unmotivated, uninspired, exhausted, and depleted of empathy or compassion towards yourself or others.
In the 40-ish years of research on the topic, a common finding is that the emotional exhaustion component of burnout brings the most harm to our work, health, and relationships, especially for women.
Some facts about burnout:
Most research is on professional burnout (specifically in careers for "people who help people" such as teachers, therapists, and nurses). I've been seeing this complaint in my therapy practice increasingly in recent months across industries. With recent mass layoffs in tech and entertainment industries, I have noticed that those who were laid off are a mix of stressed & relieved (because of burnout), but also that those left employed at the same companies are doing the work of several people, often without financial compensation to match. This is leading to increased stress and decreased time to take care of themselves, sleep, or connect with others.
Additionally, a growing area of research is on "parental burnout," which I personally find fascinating, and not surprising. We don't have a system in place to support parents in doing what I believe is the most challenging job that exists--raising children to be securely attached and healthy adults. Maybe I'll write more on this another time.
How do we prevent burnout?
Tip #1 - Complete your stress response cycle.
Any of my current or previous clients will be familiar with this tip. I honestly don't shut up about it. It's groundbreaking and I'm obsessed with the sense of control that it gives me over things that feel (or are) completely out of my control.
So, what is it?
Our "stress response" is a neurological and physiological process that help us survive when faced with perceived threat. Our body floods with stress hormones to help us escape the threat and make our way to safety. When we have reached the safe place, we experience a sigh of relief and our bodies start to calm down. We connect with our loved ones and express gratitude. This signals the end of the stress response cycle. When explaining this concept, I usually tell a story about being chased by a bear and successfully running away. We can all imagine that escaping from being chased by a bear would involve intense fear, urgency, motivation, and in the end, relief.
The thing is, that this neurophysiological process is also happening in our lives when we are experiencing stress at work, in our families, or social environments, sometimes chronically. We get stuck in the middle of these stress response cycles, being flooded with stress hormones, without always experiencing the resolution that comes from finding safety. The results are anxiety, depression, disconnection, long term illness, chronic pain/disease, and burnout.
So what do we do?!
The single most efficient way to complete your stress response cycle is to move your body. Run, yoga, swim, bike, dance, walk, tense all of the muscles in your body for 20 seconds and then release them with a shake. Do this most days, for between 20-60 min, and you will likely notice a difference.
Other ways to complete your stress response cycle might include: breathing (long slow exhale), 20 second hug with someone you love (hold your own weight), "six second kiss", connection through laughter with others, crying, engaging in something creative, primal scream.
Tip #2 - Make meaning.
Burnout robs us of the perspective that our lives matter, or that our efforts matter. Making meaning helps to remind us that we do have purpose and provide value to others.
"Meaning" is connected to having a sense of purpose in life. Research seems to show that those who have more of this, have healthier lives. Engage in something larger than yourself. Consider that you are a creative being, and your unique sense of meaning or purpose may not look identical to anyone else's. You might make meaning in a relationship with God or in spirituality, you might pursue a goal or ambition that leave the world better than you found it, or you might make meaning in your intimate relationships with others. There is no right or wrong way to make meaning, but the goal is to allow yourself the gift of living a life that you believe leaves a positive impact.
"Meaning" in short, is the nourishing experience of feeling like we're connected to something larger than ourselves. It helps us thrive when things are going well, and it helps us cope when things go wrong in our lives." -Emily & Amelia Nagoski, Burnout
Tip #3 - Connection.
Connection is not only a preventative practice, but treatment for burnout as well. Lean into your trusted support system. Connect with your friends, pets, family. Often when we feel burnt out, we want to isolate and bed rot. We're exhausted. We want to watch New Girl again. We don't want to talk to anyone or listen to anyone or do any of the emotional labor that it takes to socialize.
I get it. BUT...connecting with people who love and care for us can help to give perspective, reminding us that there is more to us than employees, managers, parents, human givers. They can remind us who are are, what we love, and what we're creatively and uniquely good at. We can laugh together, cry together, and be reminded that we aren't alone in this out-of-our-control world.
Connection with pets and others also helps us to co-regulate our nervous systems, so that's pretty cool too.
Tip #4 - Rest. Sleep.
Sleep is essential. Eek. I know this can be a tough one for everyone, and some more than others. I resisted even putting this tip here because (as a mother of a young child) I know how devastating it can feel to have someone suggest something for your "health" that isn't readily available to you.
So let's just say that we all know how important sleep is. If you're in a stage of life where sleep is challenging, give yourself some grace. If you're not sleeping and you're not sure why, get a sleep study to assess what's going on. If you're choosing not to sleep because your only "alone time" is late at night, let's re-prioritize and set some boundaries around your time.
If you're a person who has a difficult and anxious time with sleep, (see a therapist) let's reframe and set the goal as REST.
Create a schedule and block out your rest times. I swear, this will help. It is not "self-indulgent" or "lazy" to rest. We encourage our children to rest because we know and acknowledge how important it is. Let's take this same approach to ourselves. We cannot and will not show up as the most healthy and connected versions of ourselves without adequate rest.
Tip #5 - Self-Compassion
Burnout often occurs when we spend our lives pushing ourselves to be more productive, to work more, to make other people happy with us. These habits are full of self-criticism and perfectionism. Unfortunately, perfectionism and the constant pressure to do more, be more, and seek approval result in an internalized belief that we are not good enough and are never doing enough. It's a vicious cycle.
The opposite of perfectionism and self-criticism is self-compassion.
"Self-compassion reduces depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. It improves overall life satisfaction." -Nagozki, Burnout.
Sometimes self-compassion can feel threatening. We internalize messages surrounding our worthiness of rest, of compassion, of respect, and often they are influenced by our culture's capitalist patriarchal values instead of our inherent worth.
I don't know about you, but when I notice that I'm being mean to myself because of some patriarchal B*S*, it makes me angry and I want to move away from it immediately. I mean, come on.
If you notice that when you're working to practice self-compassion, you're met with anxiety or negative self-talk related to the idea that you deserve isolation or suffering, let's start with practicing loving-kindness towards others.
Practicing self-compassion is hard. It might get easier, and it might stay hard. The fact that it's hard doesn't mean it's not worth doing. Often, the opposite is true.
Good News: the tips for preventing and moving through burnout are the same.
If you're reading this and thinking, "I can't prevent burnout. I'm already in it!" that's ok. These same tips can help to identify and move through & out of burnout. Obviously, read Emily & Amelia Nagoski's book Burnout for more information. It's delightful & insightful. I also HIGHLY recommend that you seek connection with a therapist if you're working through professional or parenting burnout. We can help provide tools and connection to move through this hard time.
About the author
Hayli Evans is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) & Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) who specializes trauma and EMDR Therapy.
Hayli uses a trauma-informed, holistic, and collaborative approach to therapy, integrating the body, mind, and spirit into the healing process. She strives to meet each client where they are, tailoring treatment to each person’s unique needs. She works to empower clients to find their voice, connect with their bodies, and heal their nervous system.
She works with each individual to build a supportive therapeutic relationship where they can develop the skills necessary to achieve their goals and improve their overall quality of life.
Hayli is EMDR trained, has achieved her 200-hour yoga teacher certification, and has completed a Transcending Sexual Trauma Through Yoga certification. She is passionate about helping clients to find empowerment in their bodies through breath, mindfulness, and movement throughout the therapeutic process.
Visit Haylievanslmft.com to learn more and request consultation.
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